Insomnia

Sigh just took a nap and strugging to go back to sleep (maybe I should buy some NyQuil). Decided I write another entry to my diary to document my thoughts. Well what compelled me to write was something I consider important - it is basically that grey area in the back of your mind. The things you put in a box and never want to open cause it's YOUR deep dark secret. Now I am here to publicize it - good thing blogs are anonymous to the untrained computer people.

Well my mother mentioned visiting NYC so she can come see me. She wanted to know if this month or June would be a better date. In june, she could kill two stones at once and visit me and my sister's anniversary. haha Anniversary - that's fucking bullshit, why would anyone want to celebrate the burial of the dead. Don't get me wrong, I know death is apart of life but this is an unusual case. Hmmm should I go all the way back and re-play these thoughts? Oh what the hell, why not...

Some history of my sister cause I loved her to death (bad pun). Anyway she was the coolest sister a bro can have. Popular, stylish, funny when she was high, caring when she wasn't. She taught me how to dance when I was in elementary school. She gave me tequila in Junior High - basically she brought me into her world. Little did I know that is what destroyed her... at least so I think.

I never asked her about this and I never will but there was one day. I don't even what happened - maybe I was caught up in High School or just oblivious to the fact my sister changed. By the time it hit me - it was that snowball effect and it was a completely different character. Some friends of hers would call her crazy, hell I even thought she wasn't all there. (silence). Hmm I'm so blind to this fact that I can't even put the pieces of the puzzle together. Like it's some empty void of my memory to ask what the fuck happened to you? (tears)... Anyway rumor has it she was a frat party and she got raped. Hell if I know but whenever I talked to my sister - she was obsessed with this guy Karn. Damn that name to hell. Next thing I knew that was all I got out of her when I would ask her how she was doing? and that was rare cause I was kinda afraid of my sister.

There she was - my idol, my role model, the social butterfly and now she couldn't even put a sentence together without swearing or without it making any situational sense. She would always blab on about her dreams, which in turn turned into her reality. I get the same feeling when I go to sleep in my bed for a week. Was that a dream? or did that just happen? and she was in her room most of the time. Anyway let's skip to my black box...

Try to picture being in my shoes. I woke up 9am - little groggy but the sun is shining through the window. Still jobless but enjoying my life nontheless, I think I just finished High School and was on the grind to look for work. I go to the bathroom - bout to take a piss and go back to sleep. Little did I know what I find... (tears) There I find my sister hanged herself from the shower curtain top. How the fuck is that possible? How can someone hang themself when they could reach the floor? She must have really tried to choke hard. The pain of having noone understand you - I guess she finally decided to take the next step. I was dumbfound - was this reality? was someone playing a fucking movie prank on me? so like any logical person - I screamed for help. Screamed like... fuck can't think of a metaphor. Anyway screaming was useless since I was the only one home. Just great. How useless.

Since I love my mom the most I decided to call her to help. She was at her job working hard being a nurse in North Carolina. MOM - how the fuck (tears0 HOW THE FUCK do you tell your mother you just saw your sister commit suicide. I said mom I have some bad news. My voice was shivering, quivering, unsure how to say it. She heard it in my voice and immediately asked what was wrong. I'm usually pretty easygoing and doing a little giggle here and there. It was complete silence, only the sound of me stuttering - m-my-my- K-kkk-Kelly. One fucking word. I then spit it out cause it was the only thing to do. Kelly is dead. She is hanging in the bathroom...

Screams - you don't know how nervewrecking it is to hear your mother scream at you (tears) not you...the fact that what I told her is unreal. She dropped the phone and I could hear the other nurses asking her what was wroong. I'm on the other line waiting for advice...what the fuck should I do mom?...(silence) Then some fucking nurse yells at me on the line asking what I said to my mother? I was like shut up you dont know anything I dont want to tell you anything. She pries on and I tell her my sister dead... you fucking happy - now gimme my mother. She cowarded like a little girl cause cmon what can you say to that? My mom comes back on the phone and very rationally tells me to call the cops. call 911. call your dad and your brother and Ben (my sister's so-called boyfriend). I say ok and about ready to take action. My mom is sobbing on the other line and says she'll be coming back as soon as she can...

I hang up (god this story is dragging on long, who woulda thought I go into so much detail)...anyway I call the everybody - and tell them the same story. I got bad news...blah blah blah and they all hear in my voice I'm dead serious. The so-called boyfriend asked me if I was joking cause by now was my 4th 5th time. I got my habit of giggles back and I had to say YES I AM NOT FUCKING LYING.

First call, the cops - something right out of the movies. I tell them the situation and the operator says open the door right now - we'll be there in under 3 minutes. 3 minutes? wow now that is some service. The operator is trying to comfort me cause I am constantly asking her what the hell should I do? WHAT CAN I DO TO HELP? CAN YOU SAVE MY SISTER? (tears)... she says take her down and lie her on the floor. Sounds easy enough.

I tell her to hold on as I try this easy task. I walk into my bathroom and I try to lift my sister off. Now I go to the gym, I am pretty fit. I could easily pick someone up - well at least I could pick girls up. Nothing. Absolutely stunned. I can't move her. She must have weighed like a ton. I put my arms around her, yelling at her, move damnit. I have to help you...let me lift you (tears)... and I am fucking useless again. I can't even pick up my sister. Fucking unbelieveable. I realized it was the situation I was in. When you see death, you freeze. It is like the movies when you tell the stupid girls to run away from the killer and they just sit there paralyzed. I was paralyzed, I had no strength. I'd give anything I could to just lift her but I couldn't. Anyway I run back to the operator and tell her I c-cant d-d-do it. She comforts me and says the ambulance is almost there.

In a flash, cops and the ambulance, my dad, my bro, Ben are all in the house. I have to explain the story like 84793274932 times to everybody. I think a detective tried to question the death of her. I felt like she was accusing me of murder. I shoulda slapped her. She asked me "Is that your sister?" and I was a giddy - I don't know why, it is just how I deal with things. I laugh about my problems cause that is what I use as my defense. Some people stay silent, some let it out, I giggle. Fuck that. Anyway I said "giggle. yeah... giggle" - one fucking word again. She looked at her officer like I was crazy. She asked me why I was laughing? - I said I dont know. Fuck her.

Next thing I remember everyone leaves - I'm exhausted. I want to tell someone my problems. I want to tell someone how I felt. I can't explain to my family or the cops how useless I was. I only give them straight answers like yeah she was in the bathroom when I woke up. Everybody decided I need some air - actually I tell everyone I need some air. I run. I run as fast as I could through the streets to my girlfriends house. Thank god I had someone to release all the tension inside. All the thoughts running through my head.

I rushed to her and I don't think I was making any sense. Broken sentences.. incomplete thoughts - but hell I scared the shit out of her. That was to be expected as I figure no one understands me by now. Why the hell should I explain the whole situation? I'll just tell her one thought at a time that is flashing through my mind. She is speechless... she tried her best to comfort me by saying "it's ok" "you'll be alright" "it takes time". Like I haven't heard that from every fucking person in my life at the moment. "A" for effort but ... ah whatever I didn't expect her to say anything to comfort me. So she hugged me and babied me - which felt good...

Next thought - funeral time - ah I'm so tired of explaining this facts - i guess i'll give incomplete sentences. My mom is back - we find a funeral home. It was nice - I made a cd as a tribute to her. Big turnout - lots of friends and our small family went. I remember asking all my friends to come. Must have scared them but they all came anyway to give me support. Haha they finally get to see how vulnerable I am. Good for them. Anyway we did all the funeral procedures and it has been 3 years? god I can't even remember cause I buried it in my thoughts. Oh another thought - my sister killed herself one day before her birthday. I have no idea. (silence)

Ok I guess I got enough off my chest. It feels good to write about this. I wonder if I'm gonna scare people away. I wonder if I'll find someone with the same dysfunctional family problems. Yeah I know - everyone and their moms told me to go to a therapist. I said "no" i don't need on but was secretly hoping someone to push me into one. I would probably explain the same story and he would give his comforting speech. Yeah it takes time to heal blah blah blah. I know that's why I never mentioned the reason why my sister died. Why she suicided? I told everybody she just died - don't ask about it. Hmmm I'm too lazy to read this over and connect my thoughts so I'm gonna end it at this and fall asleep. Good night and cherish the family and friends you have. I know I will forget this thought next week. At least I have this as a reminder.... I love you mom. I love you dad. I love you Darren. I love you Johnny. I love you Emily. I love you guys. A piece of you all will reside within me.